Joke Kaviaar - two coming out stories




At the age of fifteen Sarah Jefferson left her home, where she had been living with her parents all her life. She decided never to come back again, and walked out.

On her way to the busstation a cheerful old man came up to her, asking: "Hey little girl, where are you going, all packed up with them heavy bags?" As her innocent eyes blinked, she smiled, and her long curly hair was caught by the wind. "I'm going, mister. I'm going for miles, miles away, to the big city. A little village life is not my idea of living,"

"Well... The bus stops just up ahead the road," he said. "It'll take ye there,"

She was just in time to get on the bus, and bought herself a ticket. "So, little lady, where are you headin', with your innocent eyes and smile?" the driver said, in a jolly mood. "I'll drive ye far from here. I'm all yours and at your at service,"

Just as far as I can get, she thought. She sat down, her face coloured red with excitement. The bus was off, driving along the dusty road. I'm going, she thought. I'm gonna make me a life of my own.

Suddenly, a woman's voice from beside her woke her up from her dreams. "Hey, little girl, where are you going, with your sexy shirt and skirt?" Sarah had hardly noticed her untill then. 'You are much too nice for this, but I guess you are too young to know,"

Sarah didn't understand, so she ignored these remarks. She turned her eyes away, a little confused, and as she looked out of the window, she imagined she already could see the city skyline coming closer.

I've grown up, misses, she thought, I'm gonna be alright. Small town talk and decency is not my idea of wasting my life. And she sat there for hours, filled with expectations and also still a little fed up. She was so relieved when she could get out of the bus late in the evening.

There she was: the Big City Life!

Sarah felt a hand on her shoulder. "Hey babe, where are you going' with your sexy shirt and skirt? I know this motel up the road. I can take ye there for the night," It made her feel very uncomfortable. She looked up to the fellow, as he made this generous offer to her, and picked up her bags from the sidewalk. "No, thank you mister. I may look young, but I sure ain't stupid. I'm not just going with any guy, you know,"

She turned her back on him and was gone.

A car approached her from the back. Sarah could hear the engine stop. When she turned around, she found herself looking in the severe eyes of the law.

"Hey, little lady, where are you going, with your innocent eyes and smile?" the man said, "We may be cops with guns alright, but young women like you need a little help late at night," As she looked at the friendly police officer, she hesitated to get into the car, remembering the small amount of grass stashed away in her pocket.

"I really appreciate this," she said. "I ain't frightened, but you're so kind. Getting raped is the worst thing that could happen to me,"

When she got out of the car, she repeated to the two men how grateful she was. After they drove off, she decided to have a drink, and walked into the nearest bar she could find. It was all dark and smoky inside. Immediately, she was surrounded by some nasty looking characters, one of them, obviously a dope dealer or something, kept hanging around her all the time. Even when she tried to get rid of him by running out on the street.

"Hey honey, where are you going with your innocent eyes and smile? I can introduce ye to some new experiences. I'll sell ye dreams you've never dreamed off!" But Sarah, the wise and clever farmer's daughter, she firmly walked on, and when she looked back one more time, she saw the creep getting busted roughly.

How glad she was, and proud she was, when she finally laid herself to sleep. I can really do this. I ain't experienced, but I know my ways. Getting fooled or framed is not my idea of having a good time.

Then, one evening, when she sat quietly in a bar drinking her wine, she was struck by the appearance of Evelyn.
Apparently, Evelyn too was attracted to Sarah. She came up to her, and sat down real close to her. "Are you new in town?"
Sarah nodded her head. She felt shy.
They talked a bit and after a while, Evelyn laid her hand on Sarah's thigh.

"You wanna come to my place?"

"Yes," Sarah whispered. And it was there, that night, that Sarah discovered the Treasure Of Love.

Afterwards, they laughed while Sarah told all about her adventures and troubles on the way. And all about little village life, and family life and small town talk and decency...

They embraced eachother, as they threw all their sorrows out the window where they were caught and dispersed by the wind.

Joke Kaviaar
Treasure Of Love songbook

The Dress

I looked into the mirror. Tiny drops of water dripped from my hair, finding their way onto my shoulders, down to my breasts. With my eyes closed I could feel their presence intensely, like the caressing of small fingertips.

I really needed that shower. The caressing even more. All night I had been lying awake, turning and sweating. Alone again in this giant bed I had found on the street some time ago, when I was on my way to rehearsal. It had been a sultry day in July. But still, thrilled as I was about this treasurous matress, I had dragged it all the way home, and had promised myself - while climbing up four flights of stairs - not to sleep in it alone for too long.

It's been five weeks. By now, summer had faded into fall and the only one enjoying the enormous size of the bed was my cat, rolled up comfortably between the cushons, purring and keeping me company, as always.

My best friend Leroy, who is the composer and guitarist of our band, keeps telling me I'm too passive. 'You don't get a friend by doing nothing. You gotta DO something. Go out, meet other women,' Right… Men. They've been raised to act. But I am not a man (and not very butchy either).

I dried and combed my hair, and took the tweezers to remove a long hair that was growing just beside the nipple of my right breast. I'm quite a hairy person. But apart from these tiny black devils on my breasts, I don't care about it much. I even got to like my small moustache and my furry legs.

I had rented this dress the other day, especially for my gig at the Women's Festival tomorrow. Actually, it was more than just a dress. A gown it was. A lush and shiny gown. Imagine! Usually, I wear pants, boots and a short jacket. You would not notice me at all. But during this summer my whole life had become different. I had changed from an anonymous lesbian leading a hidden life into a good looking femme (I hoped), cruising the clubs to find herself a ladylover.

My problem remained the same though: I was too shy. Shy when it comes to women. Even though on stage I could be this 'enchanting' chanteuse.

Some people say that to performers the audience is a substite for love, and I guess there might be some truth to that. Ironic. Despite my succes as a singer I was still alone. Sure, the audience loves it when I sing. They like it when I dance and they love my lyrics, and tomorrow I'll surprise them by appearing in this Drag Queen Dress. Some audience it will be! A circustent full of women. 'You can pick your choice after the show,' Leroy had said. It wasn't a joke. He was serious. 'You've been alone too long,'

I put on my shirt. It made me look casual. Who would ever have thought that I was going to sing in front of an all lesbian audience, dressed in a gown...

The day I saw the dress for the first time, I was shopping with Leroy. We had just finished the recordings of my solo album 'Coming Out'. Now we wanted to make a video, so we were looking for props, clothes, video equipment, earrings and stuff like that. We'd been in and out of many stores already, when, in a small boutique that I had been to before, we found the dress, in a row of many other show and theatre costumes.

At first, I didn't want to put it on because the whole idea made me feel silly. Yet, at the same time I felt strangely attracted to it: It was like nothing I had ever seen before. I couldn't even figure out how to put it on, but could not resist examining the golden coloured dress, made out of some sort of silken fabric.

It seemed like a spanish ballroom dress with it's pink feathers around the knees. It's sexy low cut neck left one shoulder bare. The other arm had a short sleeve with yellow feathers around the elbow, and attached to the sleeve's shoulder was a broad necklace laced with glamorous rhinestones.

To wear this dress would certainly be a new experience but I was very much in doubt of it. 'I could never wear a thing like that,' I thought. So I hung it back. Leroy had already seen the way I reacted to the dress, and must have felt tempted to make me put it on and somehow he had managed to conspire with the lady that owned the shop.

'You should try it on,' she said, 'It would look so good on you,' That, ofcourse, did the trick, a woman flattering me like that. So, with a little help from the lady, I put it on.

It was such a funny feeling. I came out of the dressingroom swirling around like a ballet dancer, swaying the dress joyfully. Spotlights on! It's Showtime!

So now here I was, preparing myself in a slightly nervous mood. I remember, when I told Leroy that I had heard about a Women's Festival looking for acts, he encouraged me to send the Coming Out album to the organisation, even though it was a women only thing, which meant he couldn't accompany me, like he used to. So I had to start looking for two female guitarists who were willing to accompany me for the occasion. By now, I had rehearsed the songs with Mary and Ilene a couple of times, and lots of times with Leroy to be able to pay more attention to the vocals.

Tomorrow would be the day, and I was all packed up for the festival. Everything was there. The dress, that had looked so good in the video, and a matching pair of pumps. I had also borrowed a tent from Leroy, so I could be there the day before the gig. I appreciated Leroy's encouragement and help a lot. Leroy himself thought it was funny, and said that he hoped that I would spend the night with some girl in his tent, because, and he used to say this to me all the time:

'Everybody needs somebody to love,'

As I was getting ready to leave I started to feel more and more optimistic. The sky was clearing up after yesterday's storm, which had seemed to me like some sort of curse from God. A curse over us women who dare to take part in what very well might become a luscious lesbian orgy. I'd probably be shocked and surprised both at the same time if this were true.

In fact, I didn't know what to expect at all. Earlier this year I had been to the Lesbian and Gay Festival for the first time in my life. The only 'exciting' news I could tell when I got back was that I had been eating meat - shame on me - because I was hungry and could not find anything else.

So, as far as I was concerned, I was gonna sing, and Mary and Ilene would come to the festival tomorrow. This way I could be totally free and available and maybe… tonight would be the night.

Joke Kaviaar
Treasure Of Love songbook

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